Without a Gran

Dear Jason

It's hard to believe that your Gran (my mom) died more than three weeks ago. In a way it seems much longer than that. We've had funerals and gramps visiting and a holiday and Christmas and now I'm back to work and you start school soon. But in a way it seems really short too. Perhaps it hasn't had time to really sink in that gran's gone.

I haven't seen you sad, I haven't seen you cry over her death - and in a way I'm worried. You and she were very close, although she lived on the other side of the world. Perhaps not having her here has made it seem unreal, and it will only kick in when we visit gramps in Australia later.

I know what you're going to miss though. All those packages she sent - videos of nature programmes, little goodies and gadgets, stickers and notes. Emails with photos of what they're up to once a week. Time spent together looking at nature and hunting down interesting things outdoors. Time spent together, just being together.

I didn't know gran as well as you did, in many ways. We had a difficult relationship, not often talking too deeply. And I can deal with her death to move forward. But I'm worried that you may not be able to.

There's a time to grieve. Perhaps yours is still coming.

There's a time to miss her. Perhaps that will come too.

Yes, we know that her suffering from cancer is gone, that she sleeps and waits for Jesus to call her to a new, shiny existence forever. It's the image we've had in our heads since she got so ill. But she is gone, and you need to mourn her.

I thought you'd crumble, that you'd collapse into a harsh place when she left this life. You haven't. I don't know whether to be thankful or concerned. So I'm a little bit of both.

Whatever you are now though, gran has given you a lot - bits of her personality, the way you see the world, learn, are creative. Those are all gran. She lives on in you.

Love
Mom