What's in a name?

Dear Jason

Did you know that your name means "healer"? And that you, little baby you, not only healed me, but saved my life?

Before you were born I was going downhill fast. I was into alcohol and sleeping around and doing some very dangerous things that could have killed me in a few years. I'm surprised I survived those years.

But then you came along, and as soon as I knew you were growing I stopped behaving in a way that could end my life and yours. I wanted not only to grow you inside me as a healthy baby, but have a life that would support you becoming the best you could be once you were born.

Sure, I was scared at first when I realized I was going to be a mom. I was only just 21, and didn't have a job or know what I was going to do with the future. I did panic a bit, but was lucky to have family and friends that gave me lots of love and support when I needed it most.

I gave up the alcohol and the sleeping around, and I got down to the business of being a mom. This was one thing that had started that I had to finish - and couldn't leave off half-way.

I began to get my future lined up, though you know as well as I do that I sometimes get itchy feet and want change, even now. I managed to find work that would still let me breast-feed you, until you were 9 months old, and then continue to provide for us when we finally moved into our own house. I started to provide all the things you needed. And I sorted out my head.

You saved my life, and you healed me. You made me better outside and inside, and you keep on making me better. Some days I feel like a bad, bad mom - but those good days with you wipe the slate clean again.

Thank you for being my healer. Be proud of your name - it's who you really are.

Love
Mom

Snakes and Snails and Puppy-dog Tails (well, almost)

Dear Jason

I had an awesome time hunting for snakes with you and your friends last night, even if I wasn't exactly WITH you, but hunting a little way away. I'm sorry Cameron grabbed the one closest to our house, but I'm glad I could "buy" it back with a couple of pieces of fudge later on. Aren't you glad mom knows how to strike a quick bargain? :)

I'd love to be seen by you as a cool mom. I know you won't think so in a few years time, but for now I'm going to do what I can to be cool. In some ways it's a case of "my mom's better than your mom", which probably belongs more on a playground than among parents, but I do try. I enjoy being more relaxed than others, not being so strict in some areas, doing things with you that other parents might not do with their kids (like watching Lord of the Rings together, or Harry Potter - instead of throwing it away as "evil"). Giving you an angle on your friends - like the BEST birthday parties, the coolest stuff to play with, the bigger and better (if we can mange it) or just plain different that no-one has.

And it's not because I'm bribing you or trying to buy your love. I know you love me so much that it hurts, and these are things I do because I love you too. You're what my life revolves around, and I want to make your life great.

So last night, hunting snakes with you, was cool.

I love it that you consider nature, and don't bash it to bits like your friend did when he found the shrew nest. I love it that you appreciate leaves turning red, and the shape of grass in the wind, the feel of sun, the smell of rain, the pictures in the clouds, the fur of your pets and the many dog-kisses they heap on you. These are things that are more important that Playstations, better for your soul than the latest gadget. You may not realize it now, but if you can keep a place for nature, a love of it, deep in your heart, then it won't matter where you end up - you'll always have a quiet pool to draw on when life seems ready to crush you.

Keep learning about nature and spending as much time outside as you can. And make sure you care for that snake when you get home today. It's probably a little hungry and a lot thirsty...

Love
Mom

PS I'm really glad I caught that snake in the passage just before you got home from school today. Who would have thought he could squeeze through such a tiny opening in his "home"?! :)

My letters to you start here!

Dear Jason,

Many times I feel like telling you something, but we're far apart. You're at school and I'm at work, and the moment passes. Sometimes I want to record thoughts for you, or events, or stories from your past - but it's hard to keep them all in one place.

So I've decided to set up a blog site just for this - for letters from your mom to you.

I don't know yet what I'll say, or how often I'll write, but I want it here for you to read. If not immediately, then sometime in the future (provided Blogger has a future).

I hope these letters will let you know me a little better, remind you of good and some not-so-good times, and let you build your story.

Love
Mom