Milestones

Dear Jason

I can't believe you're this old already, and this grown up. 1 December 2008 marks the day that you first took razor to face - and didn't do half badly!

It really helped that Eben was around to give you pointers, to show you how to do things, and say "next time, try this". I don't think I could have done that on my own - I can only teach you about shaving legs, underarms and other stuff like that. :-)

But it's one more step toward becoming a man - and those steps are coming thick and fast now. You're taller than me, your voice has broken, your shoe size is huge and all your clothes shrinking. This holiday sees your first trip on your own to visit the relatives up-country - another big milestone.

I'm proud of the man I see you becoming, although I know teen years aren't easy to deal with, and you still have a lot of searching for direction to get through. I know you've inherited your gran's gentle spirit and love of beauty. Your gramp's sense of humour. And you've developed as a unique young man.

A pretty cool teen.

Love
Mom

On Your 13th Birthday

Dear Jason

13 years ago you were new to the outside world. Your entire life lay ahead of you. You were a baby who looked like any other baby would - wrinkly, red, crying, eyes still getting used to the morning light after 9 months of growing in the dark.

I was a new mother, a single mother - not sure how our lives would go from there. I lived with your grandparents and my brothers, didn't have a job, and it was only thanks to a very generous baby shower that you had clothes and baby goods at all!

But these past 13 years have been awesome. I've loved being your mom and watching you grow. There's been some tough times (things at school, getting used to different stages of growing up, and sometimes having little or no money), but there's been many more good times than bad.

This morning as you stood next to me, you're my height exactly. Your feet are as big as my large size 8's, and your arms and legs have stretched into the teen look - somewhat skinny and long, awaiting the addition of muscles (which we'll have to work on! :) ) and a settling in to the body you'll have for life.

It's your last year of primary school too - and boy, has it been a wild ride. But you're doing so well now. Yes, we're not particularly enthusiastic about the school system - but you've coped and come out on top as a quiet yet strong young man.

And that's what you are now. A young man.

Your life still lies ahead of you. Who knows what it will bring! Perhaps a trip through Africa half-way through your 14th year? Perhaps a girlfriend (or boyfriend!) soon? There's many decisions to be made, many situations to face and soldier through, many paths to choose - all ahead of you.

As you turn 13 today, I'm looking forward to being your mom for this new stage of your life. I think it's going to be awesome. We may struggle through the teen years, but it will still be awesome.

Thank you for bringing wonder and joy to my life.

Happy Birthday babes..

Love
Mom

Without a Gran

Dear Jason

It's hard to believe that your Gran (my mom) died more than three weeks ago. In a way it seems much longer than that. We've had funerals and gramps visiting and a holiday and Christmas and now I'm back to work and you start school soon. But in a way it seems really short too. Perhaps it hasn't had time to really sink in that gran's gone.

I haven't seen you sad, I haven't seen you cry over her death - and in a way I'm worried. You and she were very close, although she lived on the other side of the world. Perhaps not having her here has made it seem unreal, and it will only kick in when we visit gramps in Australia later.

I know what you're going to miss though. All those packages she sent - videos of nature programmes, little goodies and gadgets, stickers and notes. Emails with photos of what they're up to once a week. Time spent together looking at nature and hunting down interesting things outdoors. Time spent together, just being together.

I didn't know gran as well as you did, in many ways. We had a difficult relationship, not often talking too deeply. And I can deal with her death to move forward. But I'm worried that you may not be able to.

There's a time to grieve. Perhaps yours is still coming.

There's a time to miss her. Perhaps that will come too.

Yes, we know that her suffering from cancer is gone, that she sleeps and waits for Jesus to call her to a new, shiny existence forever. It's the image we've had in our heads since she got so ill. But she is gone, and you need to mourn her.

I thought you'd crumble, that you'd collapse into a harsh place when she left this life. You haven't. I don't know whether to be thankful or concerned. So I'm a little bit of both.

Whatever you are now though, gran has given you a lot - bits of her personality, the way you see the world, learn, are creative. Those are all gran. She lives on in you.

Love
Mom

Becoming a God-Kid

Dear Jason

Last night you mentioned to me your teacher said in Bible class that the world is going to be ending - soon! (She's right, but I disagree with the "why" of what she said) You went to bed shortly after that, but I lay in the bath thinking hard about you and me and God.

I don't think I've been a good parent when it comes to teaching you about God. When I was little, we had family worship every day, we prayed regularly, we went to church every week, and our lives were steeped in God-stuff. It might have been influenced by the fact that Gramps is a pastor, but most Christian families did that in that time!

We don't. We attempted family worship and it died out. We pray for Sabbath start and end, for meals - but find it hard to do it otherwise. We have given up going to church (but in a way that's a good thing, cos now we have to find God for ourselves instead of expecting others to dish Him up for us). Yes, we do see God in many things around us, but I suspect you've missed out on some of the stuff I grew up with.

Like Bible stories. You get them at school in your Bible class, but we had them every day, and I was surprised recently that you didn't know one of the well-known ones.

And Bible verses. I had to learn them every week for Sabbath school - you don't. I learnt them at home off-by-heart - you haven't. Sure, we trawl through your Bible now and then for our Sabbath God-time, and we find verses that we talk about. But is that enough? I doubt it.

One day God's gonna ask me what I did to raise you as His kid. I'm not sure I'll know the answer, or that I will have done well enough. And yet I don't know how to change. OK, I DO know, but it's hard to implement.

If the world really is about to end, are we ready? I don't know. I hope so. I hope that your eternal life hasn't been snuffed out because I didn't take the time...

Love
Mom

Dragging You Around Africa

Dear Jason

It's been a week or so since we started to discuss a few year's travel through Africa - and as much as I want to go, I don't want to force you to. I KNOW you'll come back a much better person, that you'll mature and grow on the long road, and get to do and see and experience things many folk don't.

But I'm also worried that you won't get the traditional education society wants you to have sometimes. Not that either of us really like what's going on in the schools right now, but still, society requires a high school certificate and training in certain areas in order to do other things - whether it be work, or study, or whatever. I don't yet know how we'll manage the education on the road thing, or if life experience is enough.

I worry too that you won't be safe. That a mom and kid travelling alone are asking for trouble. I'm not scared for me - I'm scared for you, if something should happen to me. It's a big, bad world out there.

And yet I know this is the chance of a lifetime. I know we could make it work, scary as it seems, and that it will be the most amazing thing we could ever do.

So forgive me if I drag you off around the continent. I hope you'll thank me later. I suspect you will... :)

Love Mom

What's in a name?

Dear Jason

Did you know that your name means "healer"? And that you, little baby you, not only healed me, but saved my life?

Before you were born I was going downhill fast. I was into alcohol and sleeping around and doing some very dangerous things that could have killed me in a few years. I'm surprised I survived those years.

But then you came along, and as soon as I knew you were growing I stopped behaving in a way that could end my life and yours. I wanted not only to grow you inside me as a healthy baby, but have a life that would support you becoming the best you could be once you were born.

Sure, I was scared at first when I realized I was going to be a mom. I was only just 21, and didn't have a job or know what I was going to do with the future. I did panic a bit, but was lucky to have family and friends that gave me lots of love and support when I needed it most.

I gave up the alcohol and the sleeping around, and I got down to the business of being a mom. This was one thing that had started that I had to finish - and couldn't leave off half-way.

I began to get my future lined up, though you know as well as I do that I sometimes get itchy feet and want change, even now. I managed to find work that would still let me breast-feed you, until you were 9 months old, and then continue to provide for us when we finally moved into our own house. I started to provide all the things you needed. And I sorted out my head.

You saved my life, and you healed me. You made me better outside and inside, and you keep on making me better. Some days I feel like a bad, bad mom - but those good days with you wipe the slate clean again.

Thank you for being my healer. Be proud of your name - it's who you really are.

Love
Mom

Snakes and Snails and Puppy-dog Tails (well, almost)

Dear Jason

I had an awesome time hunting for snakes with you and your friends last night, even if I wasn't exactly WITH you, but hunting a little way away. I'm sorry Cameron grabbed the one closest to our house, but I'm glad I could "buy" it back with a couple of pieces of fudge later on. Aren't you glad mom knows how to strike a quick bargain? :)

I'd love to be seen by you as a cool mom. I know you won't think so in a few years time, but for now I'm going to do what I can to be cool. In some ways it's a case of "my mom's better than your mom", which probably belongs more on a playground than among parents, but I do try. I enjoy being more relaxed than others, not being so strict in some areas, doing things with you that other parents might not do with their kids (like watching Lord of the Rings together, or Harry Potter - instead of throwing it away as "evil"). Giving you an angle on your friends - like the BEST birthday parties, the coolest stuff to play with, the bigger and better (if we can mange it) or just plain different that no-one has.

And it's not because I'm bribing you or trying to buy your love. I know you love me so much that it hurts, and these are things I do because I love you too. You're what my life revolves around, and I want to make your life great.

So last night, hunting snakes with you, was cool.

I love it that you consider nature, and don't bash it to bits like your friend did when he found the shrew nest. I love it that you appreciate leaves turning red, and the shape of grass in the wind, the feel of sun, the smell of rain, the pictures in the clouds, the fur of your pets and the many dog-kisses they heap on you. These are things that are more important that Playstations, better for your soul than the latest gadget. You may not realize it now, but if you can keep a place for nature, a love of it, deep in your heart, then it won't matter where you end up - you'll always have a quiet pool to draw on when life seems ready to crush you.

Keep learning about nature and spending as much time outside as you can. And make sure you care for that snake when you get home today. It's probably a little hungry and a lot thirsty...

Love
Mom

PS I'm really glad I caught that snake in the passage just before you got home from school today. Who would have thought he could squeeze through such a tiny opening in his "home"?! :)

My letters to you start here!

Dear Jason,

Many times I feel like telling you something, but we're far apart. You're at school and I'm at work, and the moment passes. Sometimes I want to record thoughts for you, or events, or stories from your past - but it's hard to keep them all in one place.

So I've decided to set up a blog site just for this - for letters from your mom to you.

I don't know yet what I'll say, or how often I'll write, but I want it here for you to read. If not immediately, then sometime in the future (provided Blogger has a future).

I hope these letters will let you know me a little better, remind you of good and some not-so-good times, and let you build your story.

Love
Mom